Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
#parenting
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
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Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: