Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
You Might Also Like
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Just a friendly reminder!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats