Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.