I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
dream blunt rotation
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Thrilling chase underway
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”