DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever