ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
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A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on