FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”