[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you