[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You are not alone 💚
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
jesus christ confetti not now
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows