DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.