DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
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So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I have so many questions.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.