It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
All set.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.