I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Succinctly put.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Sing it!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.