Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.