[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.