My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
inside you are two wolves
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?