DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.