DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
cat vs inanimate object
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Mmmm. Shoeshi
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work