DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.