Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Well, that should do it
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day