date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?