date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?