[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
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[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?