me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
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My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
i love meeting boys on tinder
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
😂💯
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.