[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
peeping toms