DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
it must be school picture day
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.