cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”