Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.