there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.