Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days