[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*orders delivery*
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.