It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Cat.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
oh u like geography? name every lake
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.