Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.