Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
You Might Also Like
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
my retirement plan is braless
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”