“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”