DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.