DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]