Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage