Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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Me: [giggling] who is Thor鈥檚 favorite rapper?
Wife: I don鈥檛 know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what鈥檚 wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don鈥檛 know if you clearly knew the answer.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
掳a turd walks into a bar掳
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] 掳sighs掳 i just got dumped
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don鈥檛 oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you鈥檇 be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 馃槧
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
no one who鈥檚 ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball