DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”