Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
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A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My dating profile:
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.