date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*