*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
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The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time