gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that