Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.