Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
who wore it better?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”