Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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