Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Did…did a minotaur write this
absolutely not
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants