date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie