Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
no one ever comes back
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.